Tis The Season To Be Douchebags
by September Wolves
Summary: In which Tony is the king of denial,Steve has a secret valentine.Thor is secretly sleeping with his brother.Clint highfives everyone,pretends to be Cupid and pukes up rainbow glitter.In other words,the avengers go to a theme park on Valentine's Day.CRACK.
1. In which Tony is the king of denial

**SUMMARY: In which Tony is the king of denial, Steve has a secret valentine. Thor is secretly sleeping with his brother. Clint highfives everyone, pretends to be Cupid and pukes up rainbow glitter. In other words, the avengers go to a theme park on Valentines Day.**

**RATINGS: T**

**DISCLAIMER: NOT MINE. IF IT WERE, THERE WOULD BE LOTS OF MAN ON MAN ACTION.**

* * *

**Chapter One: In which Steve blushes and Tony hates everyone**

Ok, so Tony's idea of bringing the avengers to a theme park on Valentine's Day wasn't the best he could come up with. Not by a long shot. But he was bored. Loki hadn't launched an attack on them for a while. Then to add insult to injury, Natasha had to suggest going with their secret valentines to make it more fun. Thor was greatly confused by the concept. "What is the purpose of this midgardian festival?" he boomed curiously. Clint just told him to bring the person he was sleeping with. Disturbingly enough, Thor's eyes immediately brightened in understanding. Tony, distracted by the speed of Steve's All-American blush, didn't object until it was too late. His brain caught up with him only when the last avenger filed out the door. Tony groaned and dropped his head onto the conference table. He was in so much trouble. Who the hell was going to be his secret valentine? And Tony Stark was so not going alone. He would kill himself.

So in answer to his problem, he called Pepper.

"Hello?"

"Pepper, be my secret valentine."

"What did you destroy this time, Tony?" she sounded resigned. Tony crossed his arms indignantly, and then realized she couldn't see him over the phone.

"Pepper honey, why do you think I wrecked something every time I call you? I'm honesty hurt."

"My apologies, Mister Stark. What do you need?" there was evident amusement in her voice.

"Well tomorrow's Valentine's day."

"Please don't send any chocolate coated strawberries again." Pepper interrupted. Tony pouted.

"I know, Pep. Trust me; I don't want to see you break out in hives again."

Pepper hummed in agreement. Tony went on.

"Anyway, we're going to an amusement park tomorrow and Natasha said we should bring secret valentines. If you don't come with me, I will literally die. I will totally throw myself out this window right now."

Pepper sighed. "Tony, I have a meeting in Shanghai tomorrow."

"What? How come? It's Valentine's Day! Who's evil enough to make you work on Valen-"

"You, Tony. You're the one who decided to throw his company to his assistant and run off to live with a bunch of superheroes."

Ok, she had a point. Tony couldn't argue with that. There was a pause.

"Just take the captain." Pepper suggested lightly. Tony could practically hear the sound of evil laughter in the background.

"Pepper, Steve and I hate each other." he reminded her.

"It's the holiday of love, Tony. It's the perfect chance to make up with him."

Tony hung up and flung himself onto the bed. He wasn't mad at Pepper, but rather at himself. Because when Pepper had suggested it, a part of his brain, the part containing loneliness and daddy issues, actually threw a party and liked that thought.

"Ugh... I totally need a drink after this."

* * *

That night, thunder boomed suspiciously outside the avenger's mansion. Thor looked quite happy when he sat down at the dinner table, took several messy bites and kidnapped their dessert dish before anyone could stop him. The Norse god rushed back up to his room again.

"I have fallen terribly ill, my friend. Please leave me to sleep this off." he said in a muffled voice when Steve went upstairs and asked if he wanted some more beef casserole. Steve came back down with a worried look. Glancing around hesitantly, he leaned toward tony and whispered "Thor is talking to the cheesecake. And giggling to him. And the most amazing thing is he locked the door."

The words didn't really register in Tony's hyperventilating brain. So he just took a sip of wine and answered with a "Good, I don't have to get an eyeful of Asgardian dong tomorrow morning."

Steve dropped his fork and turned crimson within a second. Clint snorted into his drink and Natasha raised an eyebrow. Tony liked to think that was her way of laughing.

"You do know there are other routes, besides going past Thor's room to get downstairs, right?" Bruce asked tentatively.

Tony dismissed the question with a flick of his fork that nearly stabbed Steve in the eye. "This is my house, Banner. Of course I know. But Thor's nudity is kinda like a shot of pure caffeine to the neck, you know what I mean?"

Clint high-fived him across the table. Natasha rolled her eyes and muttered something about men and depravity.

It was Steve's night to do the dishes and Tony dropped his fork under the table as an excuse to linger. He counted to ten crouched behind the table cloth and peeked out after the last avenger pushed their chair in. he banged his head on the ledge when Steve ducked down to raise his eyebrow at tony.

"Not a word." Tony brushed his shirt off and winced. Steve obeyed and began to pile the dishes together. The silence was kind of stony. Tony cleared his throat.

"Look, Rogers." Ok, that came out wrong. "Umm, Steve. Look, tomorrow is basically Valentine's Day and Natasha suggested the whole secret valentine thing. I was thinking since you're obviously going alone and Pepper's busy and I really don't know which underwear model to bring with me-"

"Who told you I was going alone?" Steve's brow arched in an amused sort of way. Tony's brain took five seconds to register that and he turned on his heels and fled before Steve could continue.

Ok, that was embarrassing. Of course Steve had someone. He was so sweet and charming. What girl wouldn't like that? He was so stupid, exposing his weakness like that. This was the reason Tony didn't do relationships. He couldn't handle being rejected. It was horrible for his self esteem.

Predictably, Steve came knocking five minutes later. Tony ignored him and threatened to donate Jarvis to the local college if the AI let Steve in. fifteen minutes of patient knocking later, Steve left. Tony curled up into a ball on the floor of his workshop and cursed his life.

* * *

Next morning dawned bright and cheery with clear skies and warm weather. Tony woke up with the taste of unwashed rags in his mouth. Ok, scratch that. There was an actual rag stuffed in his mouth. He hurriedly checked his pant zipper. Thankfully it was closed. Then he remembered drinking a little too much and hugging Dummy and Dummy trying to wipe his tears or something. Tony groaned and picked himself off the floor. He had a bed comfortable enough to make anyone jealous yet he found himself passed out on the floor nearly every night. Tony would be pleasantly surprised if he was ever going to live past fifty.

Nursing the powerful hangover, Tony stumbled down the stairs following the scent of freshly brewed coffee. Thor was up and bustling around in the kitchen. Tony sat down at the kitchen island and nodded to the guy already there.

"Thor, my man. I love you, you know that?" Tony said when Thor handed him a cup of coffee, a glowing smile on his face. Tony envied him sometimes. So carefree and so much time on his hands. He took a sip of his heavenly drink and sighed.

"Coffee brewed by a god, that's something you don't get everyday. Thanks man." he reached over and pinched a piece of bacon from the plate next to him and popped it into his mouth. He chewed twice and froze.

It suddenly registered to him just who was sitting next to him at the kitchen island. Loki smirked and casually blew a little kiss at him. He was wearing one of Thor's huge t-shirts and one pale boney shoulder was visible under the wide collar. Tony, being a man-whore, just couldn't help tracing the graceful arch of his collarbone with his eyes. Then he noticed the hickeys and bite marks. His hung-over brain put two and two together. Tony made a strangled noise and toppled off his stool.

"My friend, are you alright?" Thor peered over at him, one hand around the frying pan. Loki smirked and crossed his ankles. Tony couldn't help but notice he was wearing one or Thor's thunderbolt boxers.

"He's...you're...! Fraternizing with the enemy!" Tony blurted, hands going to his head as a sharp pain flared. Thor looked confused.

"It's Valentine's day is it not? The lady Natasha said to bring a Valentine. Loki is my Valentine."

Tony groaned. Loki's smirk grew wider. He reached down and pressed surprisingly soft fingers against Tony's temples and the pain faded instantly. Tony blinked.

"Ok, let's keep him." he said, dazed. Thor beamed down at the pan.

Steve and Clint wandered in next. Steve did a double take when he spotted Loki, hand going for his shield automatically. Instead, he closed his fist over the plate of omelet Thor just put on the table and chucked the rubbery egg at Loki. The trickster dodged smoothly and the egg flopped to the ground with a wet pop. Thor was annoyed that Steve destroyed his 'love omelets'. Steve blushed and spotted Tony on the ground. His eyes went impossibly wide and he blushed..

Clint didn't even glance at Loki. Instead, he walked over where Tony was still floating in his hangover free bliss, crouched down and tugged on a braid.

"Who would have thought, you look pretty good with pigtails." Clint mused. He grinned as Tony's hands flew to his head and felt the newly grown hair. Loki offered him a conjured mirror. Tony shrieked like a school girl. Clint high-fived Loki. Steve looked between being nervous and trying not to laugh at Tony's shiny new braids and pink bows.

_"__B__rother._" it was amazing how Thor could fit so much unspoken feelings into one word. Loki rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers. There was a bright flash like a camera and every phone in a ten-foot radius was sent a photo of Tony's pigtails but when Tony felt his head, the extra hair was gone. Clint looked down at his phone, whooped and ran out the kitchen, cackling. Five seconds later, he came sprinting back with a wild panicked look.

"Loki…Loki…is sitting in…our…" Clint doubled over, wheezing. Everyone in the kitchen rolled their eyes, except Thor and Steve, who still looked mildly nervous. It was evident the avengers didn't function so well without coffee in the morning.

Then Natasha and Bruce came wandering in and Tony got an eyeful of the Hulk's unprotected nether regions as he hulked out. The polka-dot briefs went _rip._ Steve yelped and slapped a hand over his eyes, cheeks burning red. Clint ducked just in time. Natasha pulled out a gun from somewhere between her thighs. Loki watched this with mild amusement, chin propped on one slender wrist. Thor threw his pan to the side and stepped in front of Loki, shielding his brother with the force of his hideous pink hippo apron. Tony slumped back onto the cold tiles in defeat.

Jesus Christ, why couldn't they just have one normal morning?

* * *

**TBC**


	2. In which they ride in Bruce's van

**AN: THANK YOU ALL FOR THE REVIEWS! I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! BLOWS KISSES. SORRY I WON'T BE ABLE TO REPLY TO ALL OF THEM, JUST NOT ENOUGH TIME. BUT I HAVE READ THEM LIKE A THOUSAND TIMES, SMILING LIKE AN IDIOT. PEOPLE ARE STARING. SORRY FOR TYPING IN ALL CAPS BUT I'M HAVING A STRESSFUL DAY. REVIEW AND ENJOY.  
**

**Chapter Two: In which they ride in Bruce's van, Clint has weird food kinks and Steve's secret is revealed. Tony feels the world is plotting against him.**

** RATING:T (WARNING FOR LIGHT ANGST)**

* * *

Tony sat wedged between Clint and Steve, a heavy scowl on his face. Between Clint's beefy arms and Steve's amazing pecs, there wasn't much room for him to sit. They'd all insisted on taking Bruce's van, much to Tony's horror. Like most of Bruce's belongings, the van was a pathetic piece of rattling metal with way too many holes in the sides. It creaked ominously when Thor and Steve got on. They made a dangerous left turn and Tony lurched into Steve.

"Did you know I used to sell hotdogs in this van?" Bruce turned to smile at Natasha. "Ah, all the memories."

"Is that what the smell is? I thought someone barfed in here." Clint was leaning forward to give Tony and Steve some space. His right arm was propped on Tony's thigh, a little too close to Tony's crotch for his liking. He was playing a fart game that kept making obscene noises. Bruce chuckled.

"Actually that smell is puke. I ah puked in here three days ago."

Clint flew off his seat with a girlish shriek.

"Loki's sitting on that seat." Bruce chuckled. The trickster god's left eye twitched as he gingerly stood and seated himself delicately on Thor's lap. The blonde god grinned and Loki shot Bruce a look of pure loathing.

The avengers had come to an uneasy truce with Loki. It was after all the holiday of love and Loki hadn't done anything destructive yet so they couldn't really do anything violent yet. That was the drawback of having an ally whose brother just happened to be your enemy. Loki seemed quite content though, wrapped in Thor's embrace.

The silence lasted five whole minutes before Clint's phone suddenly belted out 'sexy eyes' and ruined it. There was an awkward moment as he fumbled in his multiple shorts pockets for the phone.

"Hello?"

"Barton, you forgot your powdered donuts." agent Coulson's flat toneless voice came floating out of the speaker.

Clint hung up.

Coulson had showed up at the avengers' mansion two hours ago with two small bags of powdered donuts. When Clint told him they were going to a theme park, he raised an eyebrow and offered the donuts. Clint rolled his eyes.

"Agent Barton, if you are compromised, you know which number to call." Coulson said seriously. There was softness in his eyes when he looked at Clint and Tony didn't really want to explore too deeply. He had a knack for putting inappropriate hunches together and he didn't really want to see them as a couple.

"Relax, phil. I'm not going to repeat that incident in France." he muttered. "Don't ask."

Tony scowled and closed his mouth. Coulson persisted with the donuts and Clint promised he would eat them on the road.

And now... Clint scowled as the cell rang again. Everyone was watching, except for Bruce. He turned back to the road when they nearly veered off the highway. Clint answered with an obnoxious "yes, honey?"

Coulson said something. Clint sighed.

"Yes, I promise I won't eat pickles with peanut butter. No Phil, they probably don't have chicken testicles at an amusement park. Fine I promise anyway."

"You have the unique taste of pregnant women." tony informed him gravely after Clint hung up for the second time.

"Aye, my friend. You should check and make sure just in case." Thor agreed seriously. Tony and Clint both choked. Thor regarded them with a regally serious expression. Tony wasn't sure if he should just drop the subject or indulge Thor and suffer gruesome pain by Clint's elbow. It was inching closer to his crotch.

"Thor buddy, you do know that men can't get pregnant right?" tony said. Everyone groaned and rolled their eyes. Tony very subtly inched toward Steve and closed his legs. Clint calmly elbowed him in the stomach. Loki ignored Tony's pained grunt and started braiding Thor's hair. The blonde god cheerfully explained in excruciatingly clear detail just how possible male pregnancies were in a loud booming voice.

Thirteen minutes later, the van rumbled to a stop. The avengers stumbled out, looking just a tad green around the gills. Tony was muttering about brain bleach. Clint said he was never having sex without condoms ever again and everyone paused to stare at the man. Steve's blush looked permanently painted on. Natasha was incinerating every one of them with her death glare. Bruce was smiling mildly, completely different from the morning version. Loki was dusting off imaginary dirt from his tight shirt. Tony had some trouble tearing his eyes away from those mile-long legs and the pert ass. Thor was...well Thor was sporting a head of tightly braided blonde locks; sunglasses and a flaming red shirt that had OMFG splashed on in bold white letters. He flashed them a blinding smile.

"You truly look otherworldly." tony deadpanned. Steve elbowed him and mouthed 'be nice, tony'.

Their tickets were prepaid and Clint took great pleasure in sticking his tongue out obnoxiously at all the people standing in line. They separated into two groups, Natasha and Bruce in one and the rest of them in the other. She turned to them and smirked.

"Ok boys, time to show your valentines or suffer my wrath."

Bruce blushed and shuffled his feet. Steve pointedly looked away, his eyes glancing at everything except for tony. Thor pulled Loki to his side and kissed his cheek soundly. Then turning to Natasha, he awaited her approval. Loki scowled and crossed his arms but Tony saw the look of affection that briefly flickered over the trickster's face.

"I don't need to have a valentine. I'm cupid." Clint mimed shooting Natasha with finger guns, a shit-eating grin on his face. She was not impressed. Loki snapped his fingers and Clint was suddenly showered with a handful of red glitter, a pair of fluffy wings springing from his black shirt. A hideous pink bow adorned with hearts had appeared in his hands. Nearly everyone turned when Clint let out a high-pitched panicked scream.

A little girl pointed and said, "Mommy can I touch the boy fairy?" the mother hurried her daughter off with a disturbed look, muttering 'perverts'. Tony snorted and Clint flipped everyone off.

Steve was still shuffling his feet and avoiding everyone's eyes. Tony felt a sinking feeling in his gut. He wasn't stupid. It was obvious that Steve didn't bring anyone. It just hurt a little that Steve would rather lie about it than go anywhere with Tony while he wasn't in the Iron man suit. Tony bit his lip. Ok, so maybe he was a dick sometimes but he couldn't help it. It was his nature to wrap himself in a tough shell to protect the fragile boy that still secretly longed for his father's approval. If Steve viewed him as nothing more than a jerk, then maybe Tony should really just give up and bury these traitorous feelings.

"Tony? Captain?" Both men stared down at their shoes. The silence was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Everyone was glancing between them, except for Thor who was staring intensely at a man in a bear costume taking pictures with some kids. He said something to Loki in a foreign language and flexed his muscles. Loki ignored him in favor of staring at Tony.

Sensing the awkward moment, the other avengers stopped bickering and Clint shuffled closer to Tony. Fishing out a lint covered lemon drop from his side pocket, he pressed it into Tony's palm.

"Need a valentine? Five bucks an hour." he said with a lopsided smile. Tony smiled back and wrapped his fingers around the hard candy. Clint probably didn't know what was wrong but he was always the one to break the ice and Tony appreciated that. Even if Steve hated Tony, he still had the other avengers. He wasn't alone anymore and that was something he had never even dared to hope for. He had friends. He had a fucking god. And he had Clint. Tony grinned and smacked Clint's shoulder in thanks. He purposefully ignored Steve's panicky form and Natasha's quizzical frown.

Wrapping an arm around Thor's thick shoulders (quite a difficult feat, by the way), Tony smiled.

"Go get em' boys. My treat." he said. Thor let out a great war cry and finally charged at the suspicious looking man in a bear costume standing at the entrance. There was a short cry of pain and the bear was no more than a twisting cottony mass of limbs under Thor's dead weight. Tony and the other avengers brushed past. The man's bear head had rolled off and Tony bent down to stare critically at the struggling pimply sweaty teenager.

"Don't worry; he'll let you up eventually. And no, you didn't do anything wrong. It's just your lucky day. I'll pay for the damage." With that said, he stood, dusted off his neat shirt and walked on.

Everyone rolled their eyes.

* * *

**Sneak peek:**

** Chapter Three: In which Thor rides the Merry-go-round. Clint eats anything he can get his hands on. Natasha and Bruce go off on their own. Steve loiters around, looking guilty. Tony just wants to sulk in a private corner. It that fucking too much to ask?**


	3. In which Thor rides the merry go round

**AN:Thank you guys for reviewing! I honestly didn't think this fic would get so much attention. So I'm going to concentrate on getting it just right! By the way, I go to a boarding school, and we are super strict here so there is no free fun internet time. I can only update once a week...so put this fic on alert if you would like to read more.  
**

**Chapter three: in which Thor rides the merry-go-round. Clint eats anything he can get his hands on. Natasha and Bruce go off on their own and Steve loiters in the background, looking guilty. Tony just wants to sulk in a corner.**

**RATING:T (WARNING FOR DISTURBING 'MY LITTLE PONY' IMAGES)  
**

* * *

Three

Thor didn't let the teenage go until two park employees came and threatened to call the police. There was a brief moment of tension between Loki and the employee. Loki wanted to indulge Thor and curled his lip at the human.

"Petty mortals." he hissed in distain. Tony decided to intervene before things got out of control. He promised Thor there was more fun stuff inside the park, like spinning teacups and merry-go-rounds.

Thor had started asking questions like 'what is the purpose of these large teacups?' why do you sit in them?"

Clint had wiggled his eyebrows and mimicked grabbing his imaginary boobs. "Like T-sized cups. You know what I mean?"

Tony rolled his eyes when Thor said no and demanded more explanation. Natasha smacked Clint upside the head.

The first thing Thor decided to do when he finally stopped asking questions was to ride the merry-go-round. His reason was quite simple; he missed his trusty steed back in Asgard. Tony, having nothing else to do, indulged him. They waited in the mile-long line of children, sticking out horribly because of their height. Loki offered to turn Thor into a five-year-old girl if only just to stop the staring.

And yes, there was a lot of intense staring going on. Teenage girls and women mainly stared at Thor and Steve, with their ridiculous blonde Barbie hair and amazing muscular arms. The dreamy expressions on their faces made Tony want to throw up. He pouted, shuffled closer to Clint and tugged on the still protruding wings on the back of his shirt for comfort. Natasha and Bruce had wandered off on their own, saying they wanted to do something mild in case Bruce hulked out. As if there was anything milder than riding a sparkly plastic horse around a fucking pole with a bunch of kids.

Tony glanced around and noticed a huge man in a biker jacket staring intently at him. The man licked his lips and winked at Tony. Tony's left eye twitched. Now that he noticed, Loki was getting the same treatment. Ok, so he and Loki attracted men who looked like mountain bears and who were equally hairy. Tony totally didn't think that was creepy at all. Loki stepped closer to Thor and the god wrapped a thick possessive arm around his slim waist. The trickster was simpering with smugness. Clint on the other hand was sadly attracting kids like honey to bees, or maybe shit to flies.

"Are you a tooth fairy?" a tiny girl with pigtails standing behind them asked for the fifth time. Clint checked his watch and glanced at the long line before them. He clinched his jaw and pointedly ignored the girl. She started poking him in the ass with her glittery wand because it was the only part she could reach.

Poke. Poke. Poke. CRACK.

Tony turned around just in time to see Clint yank the wand out of her hands and snap it in one huge fist.

"Do I look like a fucking tooth fairy to you?"

She started to cry. The mother looked furious. Clint groaned and fled, muttering about finding a gift shop to buy a new shirt.

"Don't worry, I'll pay for it. Just stop crying please." Tony said professionally and whipped out a checkbook. Loki extracted himself from Thor's embrace and approached. Tony experienced a brief moment of panic when he thought Loki was going to whip out his throwing knives and end the noise. Instead, he squat down to the little girl's level and closed his eyes, a look of concentration on his face.

"Hmm, I know just what you want, Heather." her teary eyes widened when he said her name. He pulled his hands out behind his back and produced an even more sparkly wand and a princess hat. She clapped in delight and stopped crying immediately. Tony discreetly put on his sunglasses to avoid being blinded by the sheer pinkness of the 'girl power' wand. Loki smiled and stood up. The mother smiled back at him. Thor looked close to tears and swept all of them into a huge bear hug booming "ah, my good friends!" Tony choked. He had a fearful hunch his manliness was not going to come out intact after this trip.

* * *

Clint scowled as he paid for the shirt. It was a horrible blend of rainbow hues bright enough to physically hurt him. He was really considering getting a dozen more and suggesting they change their Avengers uniforms at their next meeting. It would at least be a nasty surprise for their enemies.

Scratching his neck, he stuck the pink bow and the handful of rubber arrows into a back pocket (because aside from the atrocious color, he kind of liked them) and wandered in the general direction of the merry-go-round. He wasn't in a hurry. Clint had a hunch that combining Thor and sparkly plastic horses together was going to be extremely messy.

Then he stopped.

There across the street stood a man. The man was wearing a shaved ice cone costume. Clint's heart rate picked up, his pupils dilated and he felt the distinctly familiar curl of desire well up from the deep cavern of his tortured soul.

Clint's feet automatically transported him toward the slushie stand. He hesitated. Phil's voice was ringing in his head- "don't buy it, agent Barton."

Clint blinked, took one more look at the fat man in the costume swaying enticingly and erotically from side to side and shrugged. He stepped up to the counter with a perfectly serious face.

"Give me a blend of all the flavors please."

* * *

Thor was feeling extremely confused.

Now, this feeling was quite familiar since he was in fact classified as an alien in midgardian terms and the humans had such confusing customs. But confusion for him was usually accompanied by Stark's patient eye roll and a lengthy explanation. Thor usually nodded along just to be polite whether he understood or not.

This time however, the man with the funny goatee (he only called Stark that in his head) and his lovely brother were both bent over, laughing so hard they could barely breath. Stark was also holding out the tiny magical device that could spout out his friends' voice and taping the whole thing. He couldn't for the love of god figure out why Stark and Loki were cackling like a bunch of crows as he regally revolved past the red faced captain America for the second time. Steve waved at him awkwardly.

Thor wiggled a bit atop his My Little Pony. The seat of his trusty steed pinched his bottom greatly but Thor, being a brave warrior, only held onto the glittering reins grimly. He was going to enjoy this experience of midgardian culture.

Come to where the magic is... where the rainbow ends

Follow, follow My Little Pony...My Little Pony 'n Friends

Through the clouds and past the stars...where the river bends

Follow, follow My Little Pony...My Little Pony 'n Friends

Where you find your heart's desire...

Then music started blaring. The child next to him burst into tears. Thor's smile drooped a little. Ok, scratch that, he was going to pretend to enjoy this experience of midgardian culture.

"Oh god, I think I just laughed up a lung..." Tony clutched at Loki's arm, gasping for air. The trickster was also trying desperately to calm his rapidly thumping heart. They broke into peals of helpless laughter again when Thor revolved slowly into sight again, his head held stubbornly high and clutching at his sparkly reins. The kids and parents were gawking at the mammoth of a man, wedged uncomfortably on the tiny pink pony. Thor's legs were dragging uncomfortably on the ground.

Thor felt unloved. He pouted.

* * *

Steve felt awkwardly out of place standing red-faced and along with several older women who kept trying to discreetly feel his ass. Tony predictably got along perfectly with Loki. And Thor, well, Thor was special. That was all he was going to say. Clint had wandered off to god knows where. He was all alone.

Steve wasn't good with words; they came to him awkward and tend to burst out at the most inappropriate moments. He envied Tony sometimes. He had the ability to blend and mix with people effortlessly. He had a way with words that Steve could never hope to compare. And Tony was the splitting image of Howard Stark when it came to women. Well maybe he was kinkier and had more style. But when Steve really looked, really fought past the protective shell Tony always wrapped around himself, he found someone entirely different from his old friend Howard. Howard never had to face death head on. Howard had never almost died saving his friends and Howard didn't have to shoulder the burden Tony had to. And that made them so different. Somehow Steve liked that difference.

He just didn't know how to express that fond feeling in words. He had been planning to ask Tony to be his valentine when Natasha had suggested it and later that night, when Tony stayed behind to chat, he had planned to make a joke before asking. But Tony had run off before Steve could finish his sentence that he wanted Tony to be his valentine. He been feeling too nervous and hadn't really listened to what Tony was babbling about. Next thing he knew, Tony was tearing off and refusing to speak to him.

Steve's head throbbed. Sneaking a glance at the bizarre pair still obsessed over the god on his My Little Pony, he came to a sudden decision. He was going to mend things with Tony. One tiny step by one tiny step. He could do it.

Taking one last look at the trio by the merry-go-round, he slipped quietly into the crowd. Well, not that quietly.

"Ahh! ma'am, please take your hand off my behind."

"Sure, handsome."

Steve coughed, blushing furiously. He took another look at Tony and departed.

* * *

Tony ignored the nagging feeling at the back of his mind and concentrated on Thor. The giant blond god slid off the tiny plastic horse and limped toward them as the ride came to a halt. Loki raised an eyebrow silently at Thor's sour expression.

"My Little Pony had too small a saddle. It was quite uncomfortable. I did not understand why my fellow riders laughed upon seeing me. I believe I rode magnificently." Thor nodded importantly, ignoring Tony's fresh wave of giggles. "Where to now, Tony Stark?"

"More like your ass was too big for the saddle, Princess. After all that's how they grow them on Ass-guard." Loki rolled his eyes. Thor crossed his arms defensively.

"Oh god...hold on." Tony giggled helplessly and bent over to take several deep breaths. Loki waved at Heather the little girl when she passed them with her mother. She waved back at him enthusiastically. Someone cooed in the crowd.

"It seems we have lost two members of our little dysfunctional group, Stark." Loki ignored the sound and gave Tony's shin a little kick. And he was right; Clint and Steve were indeed missing. Tony groaned and shook his head. Clint he wasn't worried about, but Steve? God, Fury was so going to kill him.

To make things worse, the man still didn't know how to use a cell phone to answer calls and the microwave to heat stuff. That time Thor had made a small bonfire out of a mountain of chopsticks in the kitchen, Tony had forgiven him because Thor wasn't human. But Steve had no excuse what so ever.

"I hate my life."

"I second that."

Tony whirled around and blinked.

"Barton, why's you tongue black?"

Clint shrugged casually. "I had an orgasmic slushie. My brain is still kind of floating in a hazy of icy goodness. A blend of all flavors, see?"

He stuck out his tongue proudly. Thor thumped his back in congratulations. Clint high-fived Thor. Loki rolled his eyes.

"Guys, Steve's missing. All activities are on hiatus until we find our virgin captain." Tony clapped his hands to get their attention. He glanced around at the too pink surrounding and the sheer amount of people. "God, it's like dropping Snow White in a whore house. In other words, a fucking disaster."

They trudged on slowly, occasionally asking passing people. Tony squinted around. Clint was skipping ahead. Thor was bellowing 'dear captain, where are you' at the top of his lungs. Loki slapped Thor upside the head.

"Shut up, Princess. You're giving me a headache."

Thor shut his mouth.

Clint skidded to a sudden halt. Tony crashed into him with a surprised grunt. The archer was stock still, eyes fixed straight

Then he fell to his knees.

"Me want."

Tony squinted at the pink banner. It read-

FOOT-LONG HOTDOG EATING CONTEST! Impress your date with your prowess!

Clint whimpered. Tony groaned.

Son of a bitch. They were so screwed.

* * *

**TBC**

**CHAPTER FOUR: In which they get a little sidetracked while trying to find Steve. Loki gets shamelessly spoiled. Clint eats a dozen hotdogs and Steve buys something for Tony. Tony just thinks he's slowly going blind with all the pink hearts around. Oh, Bruce gets kicked by a goat.**


	4. In which Loki gets shamelessly spoiled

**AN:Thank you for all the unique reviews!**

_ As for the question from sregnevA : how Thor started a bonfire with chopsticks? Loki says it's because Thor has flammable spit. Thor thinks it's because of his flaming love for WARM midgardian takeout. Tony thinks they're all insane but he still loves them. **  
**_

**RATING: T (WARNING FOR DISTURBING IMAGES AND 100% ORGANIC CRACK. DON'T EAT WHILE READING, IN CASE OF CHOKING)  
**

**CHAPTER SUMMARY:In which they get a little sidetracked while trying to find Steve. Loki gets shamelessly spoiled. Clint eats a dozen hotdogs and Steve buys something for Tony. Tony just thinks he's slowly going blind with all the pink hearts around. Oh, Bruce gets kicked by a goat.**

* * *

**FOUR  
**

"Please."

"No."

"Please."

"NO!"

"Please."

Tony palmed his face. "Barton, repeating the same word over and over again won't make me change my mind."

Clint let out a broken-hearted sob and gave the hotdog eating contest one last look. He stood and reluctantly turned his back.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the price for first place-a five-foot-long hotdog! Yes, it's edible!"

Clint whirled around so fast he was a blur. "A five foot long wiener... Stark, I have to have it... I have to. If I don't I will literally die!"

"Like I said before, all activities are on hiatus until-"

"What is a wiener?"

"Thor, please. This is totally not the time to ask..."

Thor huffed. "It seems that my hawk-eyed friend is in dire need of one such wiener and he shall perish if he doesn't. I think it my responsibility to save my fellow teammates from impending death. We shall get you that wiener, my small friend."

Clint flung himself into Thor's embrace. "I love you so much! Let's do this!"

Tony rolled his eyes and patted Loki's arm absently as the god tensed next to Thor, practically seeping jealousy. Thor gave his brother a wet sloppy kiss and promised to win before flouncing off with Clint.

"You want to hop on the crazy food wagon or help me find my grandmother?" tony regarded Loki. The trickster god wrinkled his nose.

"I'll stay with you. Thor tends to get messy in eating contests." Loki said disdainfully. "And I didn't know you had a crush on your grandmother."

Tony felt his heart clench. "I do not." he called loudly after the god's retreating form. Loki flipped him off.

* * *

Steve wandered aimlessly along the path, smiling occasionally at the random kissing couples. He felt a little lost. The modern world was so shiny and metallic. It was something so alien to Steve that sometimes he wondered if he should have been thawed in the first place. Maybe it was for the best that captain America remained a past legend. Maybe...

He sighed.

Steve followed the crowd of people because they seemed to know where to go. He considered buying roses for Tony but there was only a crumpled twenty in his left pocket and the roses cost just a tad bit more. Also, Steve was pretty sure he was going to die of a heart attack before he even presented the flowers to Tony.

He turned a corner and blinked. There sitting in the display window was the perfect thing. Steve smiled despite himself and hurried toward the gift shop.

* * *

"Are you sure goats eating carrots?" Bruce stared questioningly down at the orange sticks protruding from the tiny plastic cup clutched in his hand. "And why would an amusement park have a petting zoo? Aren't they supposed to belong in an actual zoo?"

Natasha rolled her eyes and stuffed one of the carrot sticks into a nearby goat's mouth with unnecessary force. "Stop asking questions and feed the damned things."

Bruce sighed in defeat and waved one at an older goat. "You know, I don't think I will hulk out over a rollercoaster ride. You don't have to treat me like a mine field."

Natasha frowned at him and crouched down to the doctor's level. "Maybe I just want some time alone with my favorite avenger."

Bruce snorted at that. An uncomfortable silence settled. Then Bruce said, "Hey do you think I can pet them?"

Five seconds later

"Oww, it kicked me! IT KICKED ME!"

"Bruce...calm down. Maybe it doesn't like to be petted."

"WHY? IT CLEARLY SAYS PETTING ZOO! HOW CAN YOU NOT PET SOMETHING IN A PETTING ZOO?"

"Bruce, look..." Natasha calmly pointed over his shoulder.

"Oh, bunnies!"

She sighed as Bruce visibly deflated and bounced over to the rabbits.

"Don't treat him like a mine field, he says. Pft."

* * *

Clint swallowed a hastily chewed mouthful and grabbed another hotdog from the plate. Thor dutifully dabbed at his teammate's chin with a hankie every twenty or so seconds. Loki had told him manners and sanitation was both very important things in a warrior and a potential mate. Thor didn't want the hawk to lose the chance to find his valentine just because he had horrible eating habits.

Clint was oblivious to Thor's thoughtfulness. His concentration was focused solely on the plate before him. He had to win that wiener. It was beckoning to him, twisting and turning erotically. So flexible...how was he ever going to refuse that? Clint ate faster.

* * *

Tony glowered at every pink thing they passed. Valentine's was about the freedom to love, who in god's name had connected that with the hideous color of pink? Loki wasn't doing so well either. He was fanning himself with one pale hand and dragging his feet.

"I thought this was supposed to be a fun outing. I'm bored. Entertain me, Stark." he demanded Tony's attention. Tony was too busy squinting around for Steve's sensible brown plaid shirt. Loki retaliated by turning into a girl and making his breasts inflate and deflate like a pair of helium balloons. That certainly had Tony's attention in under than a second. Unfortunately Loki refused to turn back into a man and started clinging to Tony's arm.

They turned a corner and Loki stopped. Tony groaned. "What now?"

Loki wordlessly pointed at something in a game booth. "I demand you win that plushie for me."

Tony turned. There it sat, in all its squishy glory...and blonde Barbie hair...and shiny red cape...

"Why in gods name would you want a life-size plush of Thor?" Tony jabbed an accusing finger into Loki's surprisingly soft chest. Ok, he'd forgotten about the girl factor. "You're already sleeping with your brother."

Loki flipped a dark tumble of hair off his pale shoulder and sniffed. "Its not every night that I get to have him warming my bed. I'll have something to keep me company when he's not available."

Tony groaned. "We're supposed to find the Cap, not mess around in the arcade booth..."

"Get me my plushie and ill get you your crush. By magic."

Tony narrowed his eyes.

"Pinky swear."

"Fine, but be warned that I'm horrible at dancing games."

Five minutes later, Tony was bent over with his hands braced on his knees, face twisted in pain and breathing like a winded elephant. Was it possible to sprain your ball sac?

"Can't I just... buy... the damn thing?"

The skinny teenager who looked a lot like a rubber chicken standing behind the booth shook his head smugly. Tony swore. Loki crossed his arms. They were attracting attention. Loki was a beautiful girl and men were coming on to him like bees to honey.

"Hey, babe. You looking for a real man?"

Loki sneered and rolled his eyes. Tony struggled upright and pointed an unsteady finger at the man.

"Stay away from my friend's girlfriend."

Loki stepped on his foot. Tony doubled over again. There seemed to be some kind of commotion at the entrance. Tony squinted suspiciously.

Then Thor burst dramatically from the crowd with Clint clutched to his generous bosom in a traditional bridal style. Somehow Clint seemed to be foaming at the mouth.

"My love, the hawk fought bravely but in the end..." Thor sighed with feeling, addressing his female brother and set Clint down on his feet.

"I ate twelve...fucking twelve foot-long hotdogs and still... they wouldn't give it to me..." Clint nearly listed over. Tony slung an arm around his waist and pulled the slightly shorter man against his chest.

"God, Barton. Are you crying?" Tony asked, horrified. Clint sniffed.

While Clint complained of the unfairness of his loss, Loki had sidled over to Thor, wrapped an arm around his brother's waist and kissed him on the mouth. Tony patted Clint sympathetically but kept his eyes glued on the hot gods making out next to him. The rubber chicken behind the game booth coughed, ruining the moment. Loki peeled his lips from Thor's face with a wet smack and pointed to his plushie.

"Get it for me, brother."

Thor tackled the dance mat with all the enthusiasm of a particularly retarded golden retriever. Ten minutes later, Loki smirked smugly as the rubber chicken handed the huge doll over the counter in defeat.

Tony was still in a shocked stupor. There weren't enough words in his vocabulary to describe the disturbing series of dance moves that had happened a few second ago. Maybe he could goad Thor to perform again in front of Nick Fury. There was a decent chance the man would gouge out his other eyeball with a blunt spoon but his brain was still stuck on: hips, ass, shiny Barbie hair, ass, hips, ass, ass, and ass. FUCKING WIGGLING FLEXIBLE ASS. Wait that wasn't right.

"I'm strangely turned on by that. If you two ever want to do a threesome, give me a call." Clint muttered from the general direction of Tony's neck.

Thor dusted himself off and hopped off the slightly smoking dance mat. Loki allowed him to sweep in for a kiss. Thor seemed slightly puzzled why his brother wanted a replica of him when he had the real thing. Loki whispered something into his ear and Thor got a little misty-eyed.

Tony just propped Clint higher and slid a hand over his muscled ass.

"For better grip, so he wouldn't slide to the ground." tony thought out loud.

* * *

Steve looked forlornly at the item sitting in the display window. "Are you sure I can't pay you the rest tomorrow? I just don't happen to have the money right now and I really need it."

The girl behind the counter shook her head. Steve's shoulders slumped in defeat. He only had twenty dollars and the quarter he found under a park bench. The thing cost twice that much and it was the only one left in the gift shop. He wondered briefly if he should tell the girl he was Captain America. Maybe she would... no that was not decent.

"Hey, would you wrap that one for me? Yeah that." someone pointed to his item and the girl behind the counter gave him an apologetic look before taking it and putting it into a gold and red box. Steve walked forlornly out of the gift shop. Someone slapped him in the back of the head.

"Cap! What the hell? Where did you go? I thought we were supposed to be a team. In case you don't know the definition, that means we stick together..."

Steve twisted his fingers together and allowed Tony's words to wash over him. He was indeed the most useless guy in the world.

* * *

"Tasha, the bunny bit me! IT FUCKING BIT ME!"

Natasha opened her mouth. A fluffy ball of white fat rabbit sailed over Bruce's shoulder. She closed her mouth. Natasha pulled out her cell phone and dialed a number as the sound of fabric ripping and civilians screaming reached her ears.

"Stark, Bruce hulked out over bunnicula. Get your ass over here pronto."

* * *

**Five: In which everyone finds out about Hulk's crush on Iron Man. Clint finally pukes. Thor freaks out over Jaw Breakers. Loki licks his plushie. Steve gets help from an unexpected source. Chaos breaks out and Super Nanny Coulson saves the day cause he's the only sane one in their nut house. Duh.**


	5. In which Clint finally pukes

**AN: GO TO THE BOTTOM AFTER YOU FINISH THIS CHAPTER. ENJOY!**

Five: In which everyone finds out about Hulk's crush on Iron Man. Clint finally pukes. Thor freaks out over Jaw Breakers. Loki licks his plushie. Steve gets help from an unexpected source. Chaos breaks out and super nanny Coulson saves the day cause he's the only sane one in their nut house. Duh.

**RATING: T**

* * *

**FIVE**

_Thirty minutes before Bruce hulks out_:

"I want candy." Clint moaned.

"I don't think your stomach can take anymore, Clint." Steve had a steady arm around Clint's waist. They stood in the glaring February sun, staring stupidly at tony through the glass. The agent pouted, pulled out a rubber arrow and halfheartedly attached it to Steve's forehead. The captain sighed and looked around for any hint of aid.

Tony was not helping.

"What are these whip-like sweets? I like them." Thor held up a licorice wand and declared solemnly. Tony smiled serenely from the bench inside the candy shop.

"I'm sure you do, big guy. Here's candy, you've both got mouths, and I've got money. Go crazy." he stretched out his tired legs and muttered under his breath, "While daddy rests a bit."

Chew chew POP

Tony smirked. It seemed Loki had found out the wonderful properties of chewing gum. Thor wandered toward another isle.

"What are these hard red balls?" Thor's voice was muffled.

"I'm sure they don't sell red testicles in a candy shop." tony replied dryly, but he stood nevertheless, joints popping. Thor was staring quizzically at a shelf of Jaw Breakers of all sizes. In his hand was one the size of a baseball. Loki wandered over, still popping his gum.

"They're really hard candy balls. You have to suck and lick and um, it changes color with every layer. You can't bite through them because they are really hard." Tony explained.

It was apparently the wrong thing to say because Thor immediately popped a small one into his mouth and declared in a muffled voice that midgardian candies were no match for asgardian horse-god-like teeth. Ten seconds later, the demi-god spat the small yellow candy out with an indignant growl.

"The mighty Thor will NOT be bested by the likes of this small ball!" he bellowed and stomped on the candy. Tony slapped a hand over his face and Loki cackled so much that he inhaled his gum. But no matter how much Thor sulked and stomped, the midgardian candy remained whole.

"Next time we fight, I need only throw a handful of these at you, brother." Loki gave a sly grin and crossed his arms.

Thor scowled at this but his eyes suddenly brightened. Slapping a huge meaty palm against his head, the blonde god declared, "of course! Mjölnir will aid me in this quest to destroy these evil alien rocks disguised as midgardian sweets." he paused and winced. "My teeth hurt."

Loki's smile slid off his face and Tony tensed as Thor threw out his right hand all the while glaring at the row of Jaw Breakers. They were in enough shit with the public as it was and Fury had been hopping mad the last time Thor's hammer had accidentally embedded itself up Washington's nose last time they were battling on Mount Rushmore. The last thing they needed was for the hammer to burst out of Stark Tower with rainbows and glitter and fly through the city, punching holes in everything it touched.

"Big guy, you can't call your hammer here! These are not alien space rocks! Drop your arm and call it off!"

Thor shook his head stubbornly. Tony frantically turned to Loki for help. The younger god approached the elder and calmly kneed his brother in the crotch. Thor let out a choked whimper and went down hard. Tony let out a relieved breath as both of Thor's hands fly down to cup Little Thor, who was probably throbbing with silent agony. Loki pulled out another gum and obnoxiously popped it into his mouth as if he hadn't just neutered his bed partner.

"You owe me so much, Stark."

Tony paid for the ridiculously large amount of candy without complaint. Another hammer crisis averted, Fury was gonna be so fucking proud of him.

* * *

"Ugh, I don't feel so hot..." Clint moaned pathetically. "The slushie is coming back to haunt me..."

No one acknowledged his outburst. They stood in line for a rollercoaster in stiff silence. To tell the truth, Tony was exhausted, both physically and mentally. Physically, he wasn't complaining. After all, Tony was well aware of the risks of taking two gods out to play. But mentally? He was totally not going to think about the awkwardness between Steve and himself. Tony was a rollercoaster of angst and self depreciation when he wasn't high on alcohol. he prided in the fact that he was a happy drunk.

thor was still upset over the Jaw Breakers incident. Loki was glancing around innocently, one long finger twisting and turning in the Thor plushie's blonde hair. Tony had a feeling the peaceful silence was not going to last. Steve was acting all twitchy and squirrely, taking secret peeks at him under his lashes when he though tony wasn't watching. Tony pretended to ignore that. Clint moaned occasionally, but otherwise kept silent.

Ten minutes later, they stepped off the rollercoaster sopping wet. Steve was frozen to the spot, his face stuck in an expression of shock. Tony spat out a mouthful of water and hoisted limp Clint closer to him. Hawkeye was probably dead.

"Ok, why didn't any of you notice this was a water ride?" he held up a dripping finger and stopped Steve before he could speak. "No, don't answer that one. Why didn't anyone notice, while we were in line, that everyone else was either wearing swim gears or stripped down to their tighty whities? God, you know how much money this outfit costs?"

Clint shoved at Tony's chest weakly but the billionaire was too busy venting off steam by talking everyone's ears off.

"This is why I hate socializing with superheroes; you get into all sorts of stupid pre-"

"I think I'm gonna be sick." Clint covered his mouth.

"No you're not, Barton. You're absolutely fine. Like I was saying, I hate-"

Clint doubled over and emptied his stomach all over Tony's nice wet leather shoes. Tony let out a high-pitched girly shriek and Steve leaned over to gingerly pat Clint on the back. Loki hoisted his mysteriously dry plushie higher over his hip with a mildly disgusted look. Thor beamed and slapped one large wet hand over Clint's back. Some more puke dribbled off Clint's chin. Tony only twitched feebly. Thor let out a jolly laugh.

"Ah, tiny hawk. Tis the color of The Bifrost!"

"What the fuck?" Clint glanced up, wiping his mouth unsteadily and asked in a hoarse voice. Thor opened his mouth to explain.

"I don't think Heimdall would be too pleased that you compared his precious Bifrost to multicolored vomit and chunks of undigested hotdogs." Loki cut in in an obnoxious singsong voice.

Clint groaned. No, everyone groaned.

"Call Coulson...I think I'm going to faint." he grit out and Steve barely caught the cell phone Clint threw at him.

Tony's cell rang as soon as Steve pressed a number. Tony pulled out his cell, glanced at the number and gave Steve a pointed look.

"Steve, baby, that's my number you're calling."

Steve blushed crimson and nearly tossed the cell phone away in panic. Tony rolled his eyes as Steve scanned the contact list with a pinched expression.

"There's no Phil Coulson in your contact list."

"Oh god...you idiot. It's under K."

Steve scrolled to K with a puzzled frown. "Why?"

"K for Kinky Handler, duh."

Tony groaned. "Shut up Barton. I have your multicolored puke all over my shoes and I DON'T need to hear more about your gay relationship with Coulson."

Tony's cell rang again. He didn't even glance at it. "Cap, I told you to stop-"

"Umm, agent Coulson. Hi, Clint is down. Yeah, we are still here." Steve was speaking into the cell phone, a hint of pink still lingering in his cheeks.

Tony glanced down at his own cell phone. Natasha's underwear model photo flashed in the background. He answered the call.

"Hello?"

Natasha's explanation was short and to the point. By the time she ended the call, tony was already jogging toward the petting zoo.

"Tony where are you going?" Steve called after him.

Tony didn't bother glancing back. "Bruce hulked out."

"How are you going to find him?" curse Steve and his incredibly long legs. Tony huffed and shuffled his soggy shoes faster. It wasn't helping that his socks kept slipping in vomit.

"Gee, I don't know. Maybe follow the screams and flying rabbits?" he replied sarcastically.

"I'll go with you." Steve said solemnly, completely oblivious to Tony's bitchiness. Tony hated Steve sometimes. He was so insensitive.

* * *

By the time they arrived at the destroyed petting zoo, Natasha had already retrieved Tony's suit from under the van's seat. Hulk was busy flinging fat fluffy balls of rabbit into the air. Steve rolled into a perfect dive and caught two flailing animals, cradled them against his chest for a moment to comfort the startled animals. He set them onto the ground and dove to save another two. Tony maybe puked a little in his mouth or came a little in his pants (he couldn't tell exactly, or maybe both?) at the sight of a sweaty Captain America prancing around and saving bunnies. But it was a futile attempt.

Every time Steve set a bunny on the ground, the hulk would grab another and fling it into the air again. It was like watching a particularly disturbing Chinese acrobat performance. Tony stepped into his suit's cold and welcoming embrace.

"You owe me big, Russian." he gave Natasha a pointed look as his visor went down. Tony took a deep breath and found some comfort in Jarvis's smooth British tones. He was not anywhere near drunk enough to do this shit. Taking another deep breath, he bellowed up at the hulk.

"Hey, big guy! Over here!" the hulk froze at the familiar voice. Tony gulped as it turned its great head and found him. He waved meekly and squashed the urge to bolt in the opposite direction.

"GOLDIE!" it boomed excitedly and tossed the goat it was holding behind one shoulder. Steve somersaulted past in a perfect arc and caught the flying animal. Tony was plucked off the ground in one huge fist and smashed into the Hulk's large green chest.

"Hulk protects his Goldie from bad animals." hulk mumbled, happily cradling tony to him and swaying from side to side. It was bumpier than the rollercoaster ride.

"Sir, shall we use the newly upgraded repulsors?" Jarvis prompted.

"No..." tony groaned. "Big guy, Goldie is gonna throw up in his helmet if you keep... shaking him like a bottle of coke..."

The hulk peered down at him in obvious concern. "Goldie feel bad? Hulk sad. Hulk avenges Goldie by killing fluffy squishy balls."

"NO! HULK, DONT KILL ANYMORE RABBITS, PLEASE!" tony panicked. "Lets play a game instead, just you and me?"

The hulk was about to nod when a dozen or so cars screeched into the chaos and men in identical black suits came out. Tony groaned. They started firing tranquilizers at the green beast. Hulk made an irritated growl and threw out his hand to block the darts.

Well, the hand that was still clutching ironman. Tony sailed over a picket fence and crashed into an ice-cream truck. There was an explosion of different colored flavors and tony was drenched in frozen dairy products. The old lady who owned the truck whacked him repeatedly on the helmet with a broom, screaming in what sounded like Hungarian.

"GOLDIE? HULK HAS BOO-BOO." before tony could move, the hulk appeared from the remains of the petting zoo and loped over, clutching at one arm. It dipped a finger into the messy ice cream explosion and licked experimentally, ignoring the screaming old lady who was running the other way.

"HULK LIKES SWEET. GOLDIE SWEET TOO?"

"No, I'm not swee..." tony shrieked as the hulk grabbed him and dipped tony into the mess.

Natasha approached cautiously. All was silent. Smoke rose from a small fire somewhere nearby. The beast was seated almost serenely with its back to her.

Natasha circled it. And then her eyebrow disappeared into her hair.

"Don't just stand there! Help me! Ahhhh-" ironman's voice was somewhat muffled. That was understandable as the hulk was sucking on it. The Russian assassin stood motionless as the Hulk pulled tony out of its mouth with a wet plop and dipped him back into the mess of melting cream.

"GOLDIE TASTES GOOD. HULK LOVES GOLDIE."

Tony's muffled frustrated scream made the world's scariest assassin double over in silent laughter, a feat which no one in history had ever accomplished.

Ever.

* * *

14:35 pm. Coulson arrives.

14:36pm Coulson locates the source of commotion.

14:40pm Coulson administers drug to agent Barton and a kiss for comfort.

14:45pm Coulson finds the two naked Norse gods and extinguishes the small bush fire they've managed to create.

14:46pm Coulson tells Thor to put his pants back on. Loki licks his Thor plushie.

14:47pm Coulson confiscates the Thor plushie. Loki throws a fit.

14:50pm Coulson locates the Hulk.

14:57pm Coulson brings down the Hulk.

14:58pm Stark expresses his gratitude on bended knees.

15:10pm The Avengers are herded back to the van. Bruce is carried out in a stretcher. Agent Barton is carried out by Coulson.

15:15pm Coulson pretends to be from the Food Safety Organization and confiscates the five-foot-long wiener for Agent Barton.

15:20pm _Almost_ all members present and in good health. Clint is foaming at the mouth a little. Bruce is still passed out cold.

15:21pm Coulson hands back the Thor plushie.

Mission accomplished.

Conclusions:

1. The Avengers are psychologically insane.

2. Never allow them to go out in a pack again. EVER.

3. Coulson is an awesome combination of efficiency and professionalism. Also, he rocks everyone's socks off.

* * *

Steve glanced back at the park one last time as he walked toward the van. Tony was grumbling about something next to him. Valentine's Day was truly a total disaster. Steve sighed.

"Wait! Captain America!" a voice called. Steve stopped in surprise. Not many people could tell the confident man behind the mask was meek 90-year-old virgin, Steve Rogers. He allowed tony to walk past him and waited curiously for the speaker, a familiar looking young lady, to come up to him.

"Hi, you may not remember me but-"

"You're the girl I saved in the coffee shop the first time Loki attacked." Steve said with a gentle smile.

She beamed up at him, breathless and smiling. "Yes, I am. And I saw you in the gift shop today and I think you should have this."

She passed him the box with the familiar red and gold wrapper. Steve gaped in astonishment. She winked at him. Steve blushed.

"How? Why?" he sputtered lamely. She smiled and stood on tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

"Call it a woman's intuition. Good luck captain. And word of advice, just pin him against a wall and he'll climb you like a tree. You guys have enough sexual tension between you two to power a nuclear plant."

And with that, she patted his cheek and took off.

Steve stared after her until she was no more than a blur of gold in the crowd. His heart felt warmer than it had ever felt since he had been thawed. Or maybe it was the force of his blush making him feel warm. Either way seemed likely.

"Hey, Barbie Ken, you coming or what?"

Steve chuckled to himself and called back an affirmative. Tony rolled his eyes and popped his head back inside. Clutching the present box, Steve stepped into the van.

* * *

SIX: In which Steve finally confesses. Thor's secret is found out. Pepper is on the warpath. Fury has an aneurism. Bruce is horrified. Clint gets a stomach lavage. Despite all this, Tony still feels like a swooning maiden.

_**READ THIS:**_

This fic is about to come to an end. It has been tremendously fun and I love all the lovely people who took the time to review and I will be starting on a new piece. Unfortunately I have a lot of ideas and not a lot of time. So I can only choose one. But I like all if them. So which would you like to read more?

**A: ANOTHER CRACK FIC!** This one is centered on fairy tales. Each chapter will be a separate cracky fairytale. Multiple pairings. I have a chapter typed out already. RAPUNZEL THOR...O.o Such lovely shiny hair.

**B: Some angst between Captain America and Ironman.**

**C: Thor/Loki Modern day fantasy AU.** Incest. Loki is always sick and pale. Thor is always dumb and smiling. And they still sleep in the same bed even if they are in high school. Loki is a mermaid that Odin found on the beach.

**D: AND YET ANOTHER CRACK FIC!** Tony suggests playing Spin the Bottle. Instead of kissing the person, he suggests that they go on a date. Like every one of Tony's stupid suggestions, this one backfires on his face. Fury hates them all. Multiple pairings.

**E: DRABBLE-LIKE FIC:** Steve is the one everyone rolls their eyes at but secretly loves. Thor is the one everyone tries to goad into playing truth or dare. Clint is the one with the potty mouth and weird fetish. Natasha is the one with the Russian poker face and perky boobs. Tony is the sticky stuff that keeps them together. Coulson is the one they run to when they get boo-boos. Fury thinks they are born solely for the purpose of giving him an aneurism. FLUFF,.AND MULTI-PAIRINGS.

**F: THOR SUPERNATURAL CROSSOVER: **I'm going to erase the other fic I have written and start anew.


End file.
